Why Won’t My Heart Change?

A couple days ago I confessed my frustration toward a certain someone to a friend.

I’m just so frustrated by her behavior. And I’m trying not to get bitter toward her. So just pray for my heart in it all…I concluded. In essence, I was asking her to pray that my heart would change so that I could be more like Christ. If my heart changed, then I would change.

My heart did need to change, no doubt. But as I prayed later that evening, my patient Savior showed me that regardless of how I feel in a given moment, I am to remain obedient to Him. And in that moment, maybe it wasn’t my heart he was concerned most about…maybe it was my mind. Because it is with my mind I choose to follow him or to not follow him. It is a conscious decision I have to make day-by-day: to deny my pride and anger and desires and submit to Him and His will, which is revealed in the Word of God.

But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you… (Matthew 5:44)

I’ve read it so many times. So when I don’t like someone, do I get on my knees and pray for them? And why couldn’t I simply pray for my own heart in this matter? Because humbling myself in prayer for someone else who is an enemy of sorts is exactly what would change my heart.

So, I’ll leave you with this:

Is your heart gripped with anger, bitterness, worry, lust, envy, pride?

Well, maybe the reason our hearts aren’t changing is simply because we aren’t applying our minds to scripture, mentally understanding what he’s asking us to DO and then humbly doing it.

He’s Watching Me

I walk around my kitchen and feel the pair of eyes staring at me. Every time I glance over my shoulder, there he is: wide-eyed sucking on his little fingers and watching every move I make. I smile at him and he returns the smile with a half-grin covered by wet, pruned fingers. I continue preparing dinner and washing dishes and he seldom takes his eyes off me.

Here’s some photos of the cute little guy:

A lot has changed in the last four and a half months.

I’m a mom now.

And more than ever before, I feel the influence of my life on those around me. I feel it in the two little eyes staring up at me, watching me, observing me. And as he grows, he’s learning what it looks like to live and be and do. When he sits in my lap at the dinner table, he watches my fork move from my plate to my mouth. He’s learning how to eat. When we do something as routine as walking, he’s learning how to one day do likewise.

And while it’s fascinating how much kids take in, isn’t it frightening? Because he is also learning how to respond to a rough day at work, a disagreement with the spouse, hurt feelings from a friend. He’s learning how to talk about others when they aren’t around, what to do with downtime, and what to watch on TV or the internet.

Our homes are the place where our faults and struggles are most exposed.

It’s the place where we are naked.

And perhaps it’s frightening that as they watch us, they learn from us, and one day, they’ll imitate us. It’s frightening unless…unless we are imitating Jesus. In which case, it’s discipleship, and perhaps the sweetest form.

Because it’s in our homes that true discipleship happens best.

In the context of vulnerability and honesty and love and grace, we learn our great need for Jesus and his great power to save us and transform us even in especially in our weakest moments. And our kids get to see this every day…and let’s be honest, several times a day.

This is as raw as it gets, friends. And what an opportunity it is to show that the gospel transforms our entire life and every day and every moment is an opportunity to LOVE JESUS.

Not to confuse that with being perfect. Or not sinning ever. But I’ve heard parents say that parenting is sanctifying…amen to that one.

So as those little eyes observe me day in and day out, on days when I am sleep deprived and on days when I feel a little more put together, I hope he observes really imperfect people who really love Jesus and really follow Him in the nitty gritty of everyday life. I hope he learns to love and follow Jesus in his own marriage someday, in his relationships and church family and work, with his money and time. I hope he sees the power of Jesus to save and believes it by faith.

And to that endeavor, I rest on the hope that “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness” (2^nd Peter 1:3), which means that He is able to transform me more and more into His likeness (for his own glory!) as I submit to Him. Seriously…so thankful for this hope! Because without His help I am helpless and so are my kids!

Who is watching you?

We are all being watched and followed. It may be your own kids, or perhaps other kids who look up to you, or maybe it’s your friends, or your siblings, or your coworkers, classmates, enemies, or cousins. This day in age, maybe it’s your twitter or blog followers. What are they learning from you?

What If My Son Isn’t Healthy?

I hadn’t let it get to me before, despite the comments of others. “As long as he’s healthy…” I’d hear them say. But what if he wasn’t? It may make life harder, but would it make it any less blessed?

Then today, fear struck me. The possibility of Lyme disease being passed from me to my child paralyzed me for a moment. I mourned for the life he may encounter with such opposition.

Not that any other opposition is less of a fear, but the memories and possibilities of Lyme disease are all too familiar. If you don’t know about the prevalence of this disease in my life, you can read a bit about it here in my testimony. I’ve known a lot of people with this disease; I’ve seen people no longer able to keep their jobs, continue school, or enjoy former hobbies and activities as they are confined to their beds.  And of course, I know firsthand the pain of this disease and how difficult it is to treat, especially if passed from mother to child in the womb.

As these thoughts penetrate my mind today and tempt me with fear, they also challenge the foundation of my hope: Do I hope merely for that which is seen – the physical blessings of this world – or do I hope for that which is unseen – the reality of heaven?

Of course, I hope for my son to experience health and happiness. But beyond such a temporary hope, I long for Him to experience Jesus.

Hope in the latter brings me back to reality. This life passes quickly and Jesus is coming soon, so we persevere through present sufferings with our hearts and minds fixated on this unseen hope of heaven (Romans 8:18-25).

Because if I only hope for my son to be healthy and not suffer the pain of such a disease, or of any disease or ailment he may encounter, then my hope will be crushed because suffering and pain are prevalent in this world.

So I turn my hope to Jesus – because He alone is able to redeem the sin and suffering we encounter in this world – and the former fears fade in light of eternity and the joy of knowing Him.

While I continue to pray for His miraculous power to protect my son, I trust in His goodness and sovereignty, whether through sickness or through health, and I pray that my son would know Him who makes all things new.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us…” -Romans 8:18

We’re Homeowners!

Ever had a moment when stress turned you into a different person? All of the sudden, you go momentarily insane and become somewhat irrational? I’m not proud of these moments, but truth is I’m human…and female…and pregnant.

My doctor keeps telling us that having a baby is one of four big stressors of life and that we should not pair it with another big stressor, such as buying a home. On measures of stress, it’s good advice. My husband and I are first-time homeowners and it is truly amazing how God worked out these details! We are so excited! Here’s a photo of our little home:

But as for the stress…it’s there. Because along with the great charm of an old house comes the plumbing, and the heating/air, and the electrical wiring, and the kitchen repairs, and the walls, and the floors…so much work to do and to organize on top of working full-time and trying to support my beloved husband as he goes through his second block of medical school. Oh – and on top of being pregnant and not being able to do most of the work myself.  ;)

We are extremely blessed by God’s provision in this home and astounded by His grace and how He worked it all together!! But it is busy. And it is stressful.

You know what I love about seasons like these though? In midst of the decision-making and the budgeting and the multiple gas leaks and the foreign language of loans, plumbing, electrical, and everything-else-home-related, the opportunity exists to cling to God as my helper and refuge, to commit myself to His word, and to experience His peace on a whole new level. It exists just as much as the opportunity to stress out and become momentarily crazy.

And those moments, when I feel the weight of stress overwhelm me, I turn to God and surrender it all to Him. I choose to trust Him. I choose to wait in Him. And the cares of this world grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace…

I hope that as you encounter those opportunities to stress out and worry over life, you instead take the opportunity to trust in Him and submit all to Him – your burdens, your fears, your attitude and emotions. Because, trust me, I get it – in that moment the stress is so real and largely consuming, but we are not to be consumed by the flesh, we are to be consumed by Him. And I can testify that HE turns really stressful situations into peace-filled, God-encountering situations as we turn to Him.

Be blessed in whatever busy season you are in, friends. Take the opportunity to know Him more intimately as your refuge, strength, hope, redeemer, provider, and friend.

“I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears…The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!” Ps. 34: 4, 7-8

Someone Was Missing

I sat at my desk and wrote a card to my mom for her birthday. After thoughtful words were written, I mindlessly signed the names I’ve signed for the last five and a half years: “With Love, Mike and Brandee.”

But this time, God filled my mind with an impressionable message: someone’s missing. It caught me by surprise but I couldn’t ignore its meaning. Is our family incomplete? Is it not supposed to be just the two of us anymore?

OK, this was a big deal – and might I mention – a deal outside of our previous plans to wait another year. I couldn’t tell Mike the details right away, but when I saw him the next day, he shared a strange dream he had. About what? Oh, just about us having a BABY.

Ever get the idea God is trying to tell you something?

So we prayed about it and decided to wait a few more months…and then three weeks later, we were pregnant. I’m thankful God’s plans always prevail. And now we wait joyously for the arrival of our baby in mid June!!

Dear baby,

As your life begins

May your eyes be opened to the grace of God.

May you know Him, even now,

As the Creator who came to give you life.

Oh sweet baby, we love you,

Just as He created you.

His hand covers your life,

Look to Him for purpose.

For He created you with divine wisdom.

And this we know for sure is true,

That sweet baby, someone was missing,

And that someone was you.

.

We can’t wait to meet you, baby!!

.

Money, Marriage, & Real Life

I recently sat down with a soon-to-be college graduate who asked me about the greatest financial lesson I’ve learned since I got married and graduated college.

Without pausing, I answered: I learned to tithe.

My sudden response surprised me. I wasn’t trying to be spiritual; God knows it’s been a lesson learned. But it’s a lesson that kept my heart in check and put my treasure in Christ alone.

I went into marriage with a somewhat solid understanding on financial success: live within my income, spend wisely, and save as much as I’m able. Of course, it isn’t always that simple, which I quickly learned as a young, newly-married college student. But I grew up with a dad who was very wise with his money and taught me basic financial principles that I took seriously. So granted, I went into marriage with a solid conviction to live within my means, even if it meant living with less than what all my friends were able to have. Sure, it kept me and my husband humble. We weren’t trying to match what others were able to spend, and we weren’t pretending to. We just wanted to live humbly with what God provided us and be content with His provision.

Of course, I admit that I’m kind of overly frugal. So it wasn’t until Mike and I got married that I slowly learned to give to God, and to give cheerfully. My husband has the gift of giving and a deep conviction to give to God. Me…not so much, not initially. Our conversations early in marriage began like this:

Husband: I prayed about our tithe, how much do you think we should give this month?

Me: Oh dear, he remembered. I hoped he’d forget. We don’t have the money to tithe! Well, what’s the LEAST we can do…hmm…(numbers rolling through my head)…uuggh…I guess whatever 10% is.

Husband: Pray about it. I think we should give more.

Me: !!! MORE?!?!?!

I know…my heart was ugly. So I’d humble myself, pray, and of course, God would give me a number. I’d write it down; Mike wrote his down; pass and exchange paper; and waalaa…they’d often be the same! And if they weren’t, I submitted to his number because let’s face it, his heart was beautiful and my heart…well, not so much.

So now, five years later, God’s changed my heart and taught me more about godly stewardship. I’ve learned to give of our first-fruits, not our leftovers. I’ve learned to give enough that my flesh cringes as I release its grip from my hands (and heart) and drop it in the offering bag. I’ve learned to give enough that I have to trust God. And I’ve learned that God always…always…provides (what we need, not always what we want). Because at the end of the month when I did the budgeting, the numbers didn’t always make sense, they didn’t add up, but somehow we came out even.

Is tithing an end-all to our financial struggles? No. I think godly stewardship is about a whole lot more than tithing, but I think that tithing is at its core. God promises a blessing with it; and He blessed us. Ok, ok…God blessed Mike, but I am his other half. ;) So thank you, Mike, for your faithfulness to God and for teaching me what it looks like to give from your heart. And thank you God – for challenging my heart, for changing my heart, and for giving us abundantly more than we need. Though the world may call us poor, we are rich and overflowing.

What financial lessons have you learned?

I Believe

I believe in a God who restores health and who inflicts pain.

I believe in a God who gives life and allows death.

I believe in a God who promises joy and assures us of sorrow.

I believe in a God who extends mercy and executes judgment.

I believe in a God of grace, and I believe in a God of war.

I believe in a God who hates sin but who loves sinners.

I believe in a God who rejects the unrepentant but forgives those who ask.

I believe in a God who is fearful and yet approachable.

I believe in a God who is sovereign.

I believe in a God who is Love.

I believe in a God whose ways are not my own.

And I believe in a God whose ways are better than my own.

I believe in God the Father; I believe in God the Son;

I believe in God the Holy Spirit; and I believe they are One.

I’ve wrestled with these different and seemingly contradictory attributes of God — uncertain of how I felt about a God who inflicts pain, a God who rejects the unrepentant yet good person, a God who forgives those sins I wouldn’t forgive — but I am certain that HIS sovereignty is good. As we study the Bible, we are faced with the questions: do we believe in this God and will we submit to Him? And after years of seeking Him and knowing Him, I testify that in all these things, He is good, and I say with confidence: I believe. Choosing to believe in Him and submit to Him…it changes everything.

Are there aspects of God that are hard for you to accept? How have you sought Him and yielded to Him in these questions?

Clinging to the All-Sufficient One

My brother went home to be with Jesus seven years ago this month. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about him as though he were here. It’s crazy how much time has passed, and yet how closely those memories still hug my heart and mind. Shortly after he died, I received this picture frame from a family friend:

Simple, yet powerful. Because every morning I wake up to these powerful and secure words from my Savior. When I graduated college and faced unmet dreams, when symptoms of Lyme disease resurfaced in my body, during the countless hours of praying for the salvation of those I care so deeply for…at every moment of every uncertainty and question and fear, these words penetrated my soul: “Brandee, trust me. I have everything under control.”

As I enter a new season of life, I’m confronted with my dependence on that which is insufficient. I’m certain my struggle is our struggle. How often we look to our spouse, friends, parents, and children for love, acceptance, and belonging. We look to our possessions to measure success. We look to our successes to measure our worth. We look to drugs to numb our pain, our bodies to measure beauty, people to please us, and the world to guide us.

So when do we look to Jesus? We’ve heard that He can satisfy all our needs, yet do we look to Him as though He could?

During a recent conversation with my sister, Michelle, God gave me another truth to sustain me through these upcoming years. Michelle spent most of two years apart from her husband while she attended school and he got stationed out of town for work. She then lost her dad and her brother within six months of each other. I asked her how she got through it, and in one word she responded: God. Let me try and capture the essence of our conversation, as her wise words can benefit us all:

“Every day is a battle to choose God and not our flesh…it is constant. Yet if you allow Him, He will sustain you. If you allow Him, He will be everything you need. But you must allow Him and you must look to Him. Do not harden your heart or become bitter. Cling to God.”

During our conversation, I heard God speak these soon-to-be-framed words…because I need to wake up every morning and read it, I need to dwell on it in my sleep, I need to be reminded of it throughout the day:

I don’t want to just believe this statement, I want to experience it. To know Him as the ONE whose love completes me, whose words guide me, whose promises encourage me, whose fellowship offers me companionship. I want to taste of His all-sufficiency. I want this truth to penetrate my soul, my mind, my understanding, and my experiences. He is everything I need. He is everything you need.

I hope you hear His words to you today, and that this truth penetrates your soul as you look to Him…

“{your name}…trust me. I have everything under control. And I am sufficient for all of your needs. –Jesus”

Struck Down But Not Destroyed

Life’s been rough the last several months.

And yet it’s been good. My husband got into medical school (yay!); five days later we packed up our belongings and moved to a new town; three days later we flew across the country to visit family; we returned to a new home and new city, continued unpacking boxes, worked over full-time,  and traveled every weekend in between.

And somewhere within all of this excitement, my body crashed and my emotions plummeted. For a girl who is orderly and routine-driven, these changes came fast and hard. It affected me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt depressed, agitated, and confused. I cried everyday without reason and my body felt sick nearly all the time.

And no, I-am-not-pregnant.

It’s been a battle. And I’ve felt more like a helpless victim than a courageous fighter. The attacks came relentlessly from every direction and I’ve been unable to get up between the punches.

I know that talk of spiritual warfare can make people uncomfortable. But I’m about to go there. So if you feel uncomfortable, feel free to exit the browser now…

“Do not overestimate the power of the enemy, and do not underestimate the power of God.” -Pastor Jon Courson, Applegate Christian Fellowship

The tempter (Satan) came to Jesus after He had fasted forty days and forty nights in the wilderness. Not when He was strong and feeling capable of spiritual warfare, but when He was weakest. Friends, we must expect the same.

The attacks came in my weakest moments, masked within the chaos of life events. It wasn’t until my husband prayed over me recently that I realized what I was fighting against. It wasn’t an emotional breakdown; it wasn’t just stress; it wasn’t just change. It was demonic. It was powerful. It was persistent. And with the name of Jesus, it fled.

Friends, we are in midst of a spiritual war. The attacks extend beyond the spiritual and hit us in the physical life we live. Jesus combated Satan’s attacks with the Word of God, and that is our weapon too. So stand firmly in His Word — meditate on it and submit to it! Do not surrender to the attacks…surrender to Jesus. In His Name there is hope, and in His Word there is victory.

The battle is not over. Pray for me. And know that I am praying for you.

Christians in a Godless World

“God, where are you in the world?” I heard three unrelated people ask this question recently as they each elaborated on different issues.

“Where are you when children are sold into modern-day slavery and prostitution? Where are you in the lives of those who are poor and hurting and sick? Where are you when men, women, and children are fiercely killed in genocides at the hands of evil men around the world? God, where-are-you and why-aren’t-you-doing-anything?”

It’s a valid question. If you’ve ever heard the stories of genocides around the world, of young girls trafficked and forced to have sex with several men every day, of the evil people who are rewarded and the righteous people who are suffering, then you know that it’s a very valid question.

God answered all three individuals with the same response: “Where are you and why aren’t you doing anything?”

We are God’s hands and feet. We are His servants to do His work. And yet we are so wrapped up in our lives, schedules, electronics, and TV shows that we remain egocentric and apathetic Christians. As Christians who carry on the Name of Christ, our lives must leave behind His handprints and footprints in our communities and in our world. We must care because He cared. We must respond because He responded.

Ultimately, Jesus’ love caused Him to offer His life as the sacrifice for our sins. Are we willing to be Christians even when the cost is great? If not, I can’t help but question whether our Christianity is self-based or a true response from a relationship with Jesus. If it is indeed the latter, it will cause us to be others-based as we follow in His footsteps.

As Christ followers, our hearts must break for what breaks His, our feet must walk where His walked, and our hands must get a little—or a lot—dirty. Though I say this statement in a spiritual sense, it is meant quite literally in a physical sense. We must respond.

“‘He defended the cause of the poor and needy…Is that not what it means to know Me?’ declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 22:16

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure & faultless is this: to look after orphans & widows in their distress & to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” James 1:27

“If anyone has material possessions & sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions & in truth.” 1 John 3:17-18

♥

Steps toward an others-based faith

1. PRAY for the people on God’s heart: for lost souls (Luke 19:41-44); for the poor and needy (Prov. 31:8-9), for those who are in bondage and oppressed (Luke 4:16-21), for those who are sick and disabled (Matt 11:4-5), for His Church (John 17). This will align your heart with His.
2. ASK GOD what your part is.
3. GO in the power of His Spirit and do what He’s commanded you to do.